I'm only sleeping

I miss Miyo. Too bad she doesn't drink and I'm a no lifer.

I Saw Their Brains

There is officially no time to study. So fuck that, on with my life.

You know what I really hate? OK maybe hate is too strong a word. People who look like shit and think that they are the bomb.

Examples include, tree trunk thighed girls who wear skinny jeans, girls who don't wear basic makeup ( i know natural beauty is the best and all that, but even Cindy Crawford doesn't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford) hoping that they would get away with it, guys who think that Gatsby turns them into Greek demi gods (pity they can't do shit about their faces), guys who dress like slobs, etc.

Far be it for me to suggest that I myself am a hottie. In fact, the size of my arms will forever bug me, if I eat two meals a day I bloat like Jabba the Hutt, and my skin condition is beyond repair. But I try my best to look good, cos no matter what you say, people are superficial and you'll always be judged by how you look. I don't support it at all, but that's the rule of the game of life. I'm just playing by them.

My main beef is with delusional people who assume that they've got it all, when in reality they should consider some serious eyebrow plucking and maybe a couple laps around the pool. These people should be rounded up and put into a grooming concentration camp where everyday they will have to do bench presses, style their hair and if necessary, pedicure themselves.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: If a woman adamantly refuses to dress nicely and put on makeup, she has no grounds to complain that she is ugly. The same thing goes for men, but to a lesser degree because in all fairness, there is much less variety for men in the style department.

Just save me the torture of having to see cellulite and greasy hair. Also, Schenelle would have a lot less photos to take.

Can Sexual Assault be Committed by Omission?

A month left to the exams and I haven't done the stupid research assignment. I hope I finish it up soon.

When I was a young kid, I wondered what was the big deal about alcohol. Now that I'm legal and studying close to 12 hours a day, I finally see. But for me, the booze isn't as good if you don't have the company of your friends and a designated sober someone. I don't mince my words when I say that not drinking for the whole of May is gonna be tough, especially when Clarke Quay is one MRT stop away from my school.

May Shopping List:
-New heels (mine are like the polar ice caps -- on the brink of destruction)
-Mozzarella cheese
-MORE FRIGGING TIME
-Smoked salmon (?)
-Trashy chick lit novel (but not too trashy. Shopaholic series is just lame)

I just got back from work

At the risk of sounding totally emo, every time I listen to A Lack of Color by Death Cab for Cutie, I cry. Either in my heart or literally. It always, always, takes me back to Farrer Road, with all the big houses and balmy weather. How I'd wait for Zach to finish his church and we'd go do stupid shit like read comics or have sushi. I know I'm the one who left him and all that, but I can't help but feel that I'm the one that lost something, not him.

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone

To call at 7:03 and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home
But I know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay

Every time the song hits this part, I feel like fucking wailing my lungs out. Have you ever a close friend? I miss the old Zach, and no matter how much I want it to happen, he's not coming back. People change, and I have to accept that.

I hate this. I hate ranting on my blog, something anyone and everyone can see. How people can so effortlessly see into my soul, because I let them. But the truth sets me free; in a way I guess.

Recollection

When I was in secondary school, I was a chubby, bespectacled nerd. In sec 3 when I became the floorball goalie, I graduated to chubby, bespectacled jock with lumpy mash potato for brains (Biology teacher: "Can anyone tell me what a cell is?" Me: "It starts with c, ends with l and rhymes with bell. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!"). In sec 1 and 2, I longed to be accepted. In sec 3 and 4, I struggled with falling in love for the first time and backstabbing friends (fiends?). Those years taught me a lot about people and how imperfect everyone can be.

When I was in JC, for some weird reason I forgot about, I decided to experiment with modelling. I lost a ton of weight, jogged 5km twice a week and lived on one granola bar a day. I quit when Zach asked me to. JC was almost as vicious as secondary school, except that you weren't allowed to be retarded. Everyone was practically anal retentive 24/7. Goes without saying that 2006 was not my favourite year.

Then came 2007. I had some short stints in the working world, all enjoyable experiences, and I started school. I still remember how I felt on the first day of school. I told myself, "ok, here's a chance for a new start. Drop your ice queen act, and make as many friends as you can." And with God's grace, I made a truckload of friends from everywhere (I also made some enemies, but hey, you win some, you lose some).

Hugeass confession time: when I was 14, I prayed to God and asked Him to make me popular. There you go. Stupid little teenager wanting to be in the in crowd so badly that I would've eaten my own fist to be in 'that clique'. Four years later, He granted me my prayer.

But in the process, I also learned something: popular kids have no souls. Oh sure, we talk to less popular people from time to time, but when push came to shove, I had no problems ripping on the little guys. They never ever did anything to me, and here I was, making fun of their mental stability and physical appearance. I actually felt relieved when I found out that one of them was talking behind my back. I told my older brother I didn't have the balls to deal with the cattyness that came with being an It girl, and I think he did genuinely pity my predicament.

Maybe, He put me here and gave me all my friends for a reason. Maybe the learning never stops. There just might be something I was planned to do, given my position.

Nostalgia, anyone?

So fall back on all of your premonitions
And just learn to listen
To those that have more wisdom than you
And just stop
Putting so much stock
In all of this stuff
Live your life for those you love

And I’m still waiting for
You to be the one I’m waiting for.

(Note: I know I use a lot of lyrics on my blog, but some times, especially now, it's a better way to verbalise my thoughts rather than an actual rant.

And I feel like I just got home

I need time to go just a little bit faster.

+++

Getting a job at Ma Maison's. I hope I can start soon.

Some Semblance of Normalacy

This isn't meaningful; practicing law and drinking scotch at 9 o'clock in the morning. Well, ok, maybe the scotch is meaningful.
-Denny Crane

***
The stress is up and I have officially hit the bottle. In one night, I had a sex on the beach, sea breeze, vodka red bull and chivas coke. Blame it on a number of things; my breakup, the schoolwork, self destructive tendencies; whatever. At least I'm having a blast debasing myself. And booze once a month is enough to tide me over 'til the next time. I just hope that I don't get damn low blood pressure again. Note to self, however: your friends care more for you than you'd think.

Last time I met Sara, we discussed life, love and loss in detail. It made me realise that I'm not the only one in the world being victimised for love; it happens to practically everyone. But it's just so wrong; I mean, sure stuff that requires hard work should always be worth it, but why do we have to try so hard, or just give up like that? It's too damaging on people's psyche. I can't imagine the amount of pain there is in the world just because of relationship problems.

I guess that's what's wrong with the world -- people. We're all fucked up and there's nothing we can do about it.

You are [not] alone